I Got my FIRST HUMMER TONIGHT.

Clean it up, kids! I talking CARS. Or shall I say TANK. Those things are ENORMOUS. It's truly like driving a showbox with wheels it's so square. I was actually (and I'm not lying or exateragting) but the vehicle had about the same room as my cabin in the ship. Crazy. I'll write more about this later. there was so much that happened over the past few nights of being a valet, I need to be coherent when I write. I'lm sleepy now. Talk to you soon.

Too Close For Comfort

As I mentioned a couple entries ago, I've been feeling a little blue. I think all actors get like this now and again. You're in between gigs, not knowing what is next. Then when nothing seems to be coming around, you start to question why you do what you do, and why you didn't didn't go into the priesthood like your mom wanted because at least then you know you'd have a steady job. (If you've met Ceil, you know this was a true life plan for her only son.) :) Part of my "blueness" includes not opening mail. I don't know why. It just does. So...I finally started going through it a couple days ago. About half way through the stack I came across an envelope from Actors' Equity. I opened it up to discover my newest membership card. Whenever they send out a new card, there is always some sort of inspirational quotation about "the business" on the paper. This is what it said this time.

"Who is more brave than the person who walks out on stage, giving his all in the hope of pleasing the audience, but knowing full well that he is, in truth, at the mercy of a group of people, namely, the critics, who, if they dislike his performance, make this fact known, often in quite soul-destroying terms.

"Actors are often thought of as people who lead fairy tale lives or are no'er-do-wells. In point of fact, neither is the truth. They are artists whose minds and bodies take on the aspects of the most ingeniously programmed computer.

"Yes, the actor manages to carry on with his job in spite of colds, broken bones, and personal tragedy because he has an unassailable dedication to his profession which is seldom found outside of it."

Now, you know what I'm about to tell you is not like me. But I actually started CRYING when I read that. Maybe it was the Ambien. Maybe the final episode of the Golden Girls was on. Or maybe I'm just turning into an old sap. I don't know. All I know, is that it really made me realize why i do what I do and that I am happy that I do it. Gay.

Anyway...

July has been a good month for me career-wise. Last week, after a number of auditions, I was offered a job at the Kansas City Repertory Theatre in their upcoming production of WINESBURG, OHIO next February. This is a new musical written by the new artistic director there named Eric Rosen. I'm VERY excited about it. From what I've read of the script and from what I've heard of the music, I think it's going to be a really interesting piece to work on. We all know I'm a sucker for a musical...any musical, really...but I'm excited to be a part of this project. It will be a nice acting challenge, and it will be great to work with Eric.

So that was cool.

Then YESTERDAY, I got what we actors like to call a "job job". You know...NOT an acting job. For any of you who've known me for any length of time, you know I've had a number of strange jobs. I've been "the guy" that flours chicken for a catering company, I've driven an electric pallet jack in a warehouse, I worked in an ice cream parlor, I've counted the votes for the new color of M&M's, I've sold jewelry, I've merchandised window displays, I did phone interviews about prostate exams, and I even took phone orders for Richard Simmon's Deal-a-Meal and the infamous Flowbee Home Haircutting Vaccuum attachment. (No, it's not an urban legend.)

Well...keeping in that vein, I searched for a job. I really only had ONE requirement. It was to require ZERO brain power. After searching through countless craigslist ads I finally found the perfect job. So...as of 5:45 tomorrow evening...John-Michael Zuerlein is....................a VALET! Yup, you read that right. I'm a Valet. It's just part time. I think it's AWESOME. I get a smart new outfit and everything. I'll post a picture of that soon.

Also yesterday, I got a call from the American Heartland Theatre (where I just finished doing PERFECT WEDDING) asking me to come in today to read for their Christmas show..A TUNA CHRISTMAS. Now...for those of you unfamiliar with it (which is probably most of you) it's a two man show about a small town called Tuna, Texas and the two actors play all the various citizens of the town. Well, since it's getting late and I'm getting sleepy...I went in today to audition, it went exceedingly well, and this afternoon they called to offer me the job. YEA!!!!!!!!!!! So...I officially have work for the holiday season.

It gets better.

Who is the other actor you ask? Well...I'll tell you. It is none other than..........Jim J. Bullock. Yup. Jim J. and JMZ together at last. Many people apparently know him from Hollywood Squares, but I know him as Monroe on Too Close For Comfort in the early 80's. It was one of my favorite shows. What's strange, is that I worked with Nancy Dussault, who was ALSO on that show when I worked at the Ravinia Festival in Chicago. CRAZY. Needless to say I'm excited about the show and definitely looking forward to working with Jim J. Maybe he'll let me call him Jim.



So that's it from me again. It has been a crazy week. I guess all Ceil's prayers to Baby J are helping after all. Life is good. :)

That Guy's a Hessian. A What? A Hessian.

What a WEEKEND!

I went to Omaha this weekend for my 15 year class reunion. It was so weird seeing so many people after so long. Before I get into that, I should mention that when I got into Omaha on Friday there was a CRAZY storm. One of the worst in many many years. No tornado, but winds reaching 80mph. (Sounds like Kersten while she's pregnant). There were trees down everywhere including our neighbor across the street whose giant tree fell and blocked the side street until this morning when the city came to clean it up. 130,000 people were without power, and many won't get it back until later this week. We luckily never lost power. Yea for North O! All the fancy people in West Omaha got their houses pelted with hail and their roofs blown off. Wah wah.

Back to the reunion. I should start of by saying that I went to a small school called Roncalli High School. I graduated with only something like 84 people. Unlike many people, I LOVED high school, so I was looking forward to it. I was not disappointed. I saw many people that I haven't seen since graduation and had an awesome time catching up. My friend Melanie was there who I've been friends with since kindergarten. We still keep in touch but rarely see each other, so that was great. We played skeeball.





I ended up winning 804 game tickets. What does that buy you ask? What else? Chinese finger cuffs and a pepper mill.

I was especially happy to see my friend Matt Bohnenkamp (aka...Boner) who I used to do shows with in school. I thought he had fallen off the face of the earth. As it turns out, he's been working to save the earth, living in central Nebraska with his wife and son working with the Natural Resources District there. Something about water conservation or something. I didn't quite understand, but he seems happy and passionate about the environment which is amazing. It was just nice catching up with him after so long. Funny as ever.

I also saw my friend Sarah who I haven't seen in many years.



She works for the police department in Omaha. She's pregnant with her third child and looked amazing considering she's ready to pop any minute. (Note to self....say prayer of thanks that I have no children) She seemed happy and all that which is awesome.

Most surprisingly, was my old friend named Suzi Bolamperti.



She was the first girl I ever had a crush on. Ah...young love. We went to grade school together and then she went to a different high school. Through a weird turn of events, she ended up marrying a really nice guy I went to high school with named Bob. Anyway...I ended up talking with her for probably 2 hours or so. She's looks EXACTLY the same as she did in junior high when I last saw her at our graduation party in her parent's driveway. It was AWESOME. I remember slow dancing to Billy Joel. Though true love was not in the cards for us (clearly), she seems to be having a very happy life with Bob and her three kids. She's recently started a new career and I wish her tons of success. We laughed about creepy teachers with bad breath and stupid things that happened. It was GREAT seeing her.

I come now, to this blog's title. At the reunion, I brought up a subject has been bothering me for many years now. The word "Hessian". Historically, Hessians were "soldiers from the former principality of Hesse Kassel (now in modern Germany) who fought in the American Revolutionary War and other conflicts". When I was in high school from 1989-1993, the term Hessian was used to refer to a particular group of people. While I won't name names (you know who you are), Hessians can most characteristically be described as high school kids who smoke and wear a lot of black and listen to heavy metal. How that word came to describe these people, I do not know. I have used this term RARELY since I left high school, but I have discovered something interesting. I have come to believe that this word is very specifically used in Omaha, Nebraska and nowhere else. I have lived all over the country and visited many parts of the world, but whenever I use this term to describe this type of person, I am always met with puzzled looks. I always end up having to explain myself, which makes my witty comments about Hessians, generally unfunny. I tried to find a picture of a Hessian or group of Hessians to show you, but the closest I could find was this still image from the seventh season of Full House when Stephanie Tanner tried smoking in the bathroom. It is NOT an accurate depiction of Hessians, but I feel it is an important moment from a television drama indicative of the era to which I am referring.



Anyway...I urge anyone who has heard or used this term to please contact me so I can find out if this term is used anywhere else. On Wikipedia, the very last definition of a Hessian is a "subculture term for a marijuana user who is also a fan of heavy metal". So...I'm not entirely insane, but on Wikipedia, this definition is very much NOT varified. Just thought I'd put that out there.

I would like to take this opportunity to announce a new addition to my family. Please welcome to the stage.....BOBBY 2.




Since my show finished, I've been spending a lot more time at home, so I thought I would get a new pet. Since I never know when I may be leaving the country at a moment's notice, I decided to get one that is flushable, should I need to make a quick escape. Since gerbils and kittens put up such a fight, causing me to get out the plunger, I decided to go with a Beta fish. I had aquariums when I was a kid. As an adult, I have developed an unusual aversion to fish. Not so much fish, but more particularly...aquariums. I can't eat in a restaurant in which I can see fish swimming. It's one of those charming things about me. But I've recently found the thought of a fish theraputic. And, it matches my livingroom. He is named Bobby 2 in memory of my friend Kersten's beta named Bobby. He lived to be almost 97 years old. That is, of course, in fish years. I wish the same for Bobby 2. There's a 14 day refund policy, though, in case he doesn't. I saved my receipt.

Well...that's about it for me. No...I didn't finish the bathroom. Stop asking me.

Behind on the Blog

So...I realize that I haven't blogged in about one million years, but since I'm not traveling the world, my life has become MUCH less exciting. I'm in a pretty crabby mood right now as well, so this will probably be short. :)

I just finished the show I was doing here in KC called PERFECT WEDDING. We closed about a week ago. It was a great experience. I had a LOT of fun and met some great new friends. That's always nice. The show was very well received both critically and by the audiences. It looks as though I'll be doing another show at that same theatre next season.

Since I've been home, I've been doing lots of work on my house. If you read my last blog, the bathroom renovation began. It is nearly finished now, but like all the other projects in my house, it remains unfinished. I really just need to do another coat of paint and that'll be that. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow and then take some pictures. Yes. That's what I'll do. I've spent a lot of time working on my yard this year as well. Here's a pic of the view right when you walk out my back door. I love it. :)



I've been filling my time doing some graphic design and web design stuff. That's fun. And I've started back as Handy Jack. I just built a great little fence for my friends Ann and Bob last week and I might be doing a larger fence for their neighbor sometime soon. I've applied for a couple part time jobs and waiting to hear on those. Nothing too exciting.

I went to see THE DROWSY CHAPERONE this week at Starlight Theatre here in KC. For those of you unfamiliar...it is this CRAZY enormous outdoor theatre. Literally like 8,000 seats. My friend Jennifer Swiderski who I worked with in 1997 in North Carolina was in it. She's in the chorus and understudies some of the leads and I got to see her go on as Trix the Aviatrix. She was awesome! I was so proud of her. It was funny to see a skinny little white girl play the part of a big black woman. Ah...theatre.

I'm going home for my 15 year class reunion this weeked. THAT should be interesting. I haven't seen most of these people since graduation, so I'm looking forward to it. Unlike many people, I actually enjoyed high school, so it'll be good to see some old friends. My goal is to look successful and thin. What to wear...what to wear!

That's it from me for now. Feeling a little blue. Hopefully that will pass.

Down to the Nitty Gritty

So....you know how sometimes you think...."Hmmm....I'm tired of the way this room looks. I'm gonna change it." Well....that's what I've been feeling about my bathroom since I arrived home. I just redid it like 3 years ago, but I did it sort of "on the cheap" because I was able to use materials I already had on hand. And now, the quaintness of it has faded. So....I was at the Habitat for Humanity REstore the other day and found some really nice tile to redo the floor with. So...last night after a full day of rehearsal, I started chipping the tile off of the floor. It was very tedious and the cement board underlayment was getting all jacked up anyway, so I thought...I'll just pull this up and replace it, too. It certainly made for faster removal.

Then...as I'm pulling up this cement board I realize there's a little wood rod under part of it. Well...let's just say it went WAY downhill from there and now my bathroom floor looks like this.




Wah wah. So, as you can see, I"m down to the rafters even. The floor was so discusting and rotten that I just had to tear it all out. SO...lucky me, on my day off today, I get to finish tearing that all out and put in a new subfloor and underlayment before i can even start on my tiling. :( My goal is to get the subfloor in today. Wish me luck.

We had the producer's run-through of the show yesterday. It's all going well. We should be in good shape by the time we open. Having a good time.

I think I'm gonna go see BABY MAMA today if I can escape the bathroom.

Oh...here's a pic of my new friend Heidi. She's fun. She plays the maid because of course there's a maid in the farce. :)

I Got to Kansas City on a Friday

Okay, okay...so it was a Monday. Who the hell cares? All that matters is that I am back home safe and sound after WAY too long on the dear old Mercury. I have actually been back for about 3 weeks now and have been neglecting my blogging. So....I'm catching up.

The end of the contract was great. Pretty much went off without a hitch. Getting off the ship, however was a nightmare. It took HOURS! Then....they only booked a tiny little bus for the 70 or so people signing off, so Gary and I said screw it and hopped a cab to the airport. It was the best $20 I ever spent.

It seemed only appropriate that the second I step off the boat, the first thing I see is this....



Yep....the Medical Examiner was waiting to take a body off the ship. Apparently someone bit it during the cruise. People are surprised to know that people die on the ship all the time. Probably one a cruise or so. At least once a month. You gotta figure....2000 people floating around the ocean with an average age of 65? It's bound to happen. I don't usually have to see the van to offload them, though. Apparently there's room for 6 in the cooler in the medical center. So actually...you get a bigger room if you're dead than when you're alive. Go figure.

On the UP side....when I arrived in Omaha, my mommy had made me all my favorite things for dinner. It was SOOOOOOO great having a real Nebraska steak. I missed them so. My friend Anne-Marie takes pictures of delicious food. Don't ask me. I think it's weird, but I guess it's a British thing. Anyway....I had my mom take this to make A-M jealous.



So...I stayed in Omaha a few days, then ventured down home to KC. Since my niece and her husband had moved out, my house had been vacant for about a month, so it was a little musty when I arrived, but it is now all cleaned up and aired out and finally feeling like home again. I've started right back in on projects of course. I spent ALL day today cleaning out my basement. Again. Still more to be done, but it's coming along.

I started rehearsals at the American Heartland Theatre for a farce called PERFECT WEDDING. It's the usual story....groom wakes up on wedding day with the wrong woman and the best man (that's me) tries to create a story to cover it up. Add a wedding dress, four slamming doors, and one toilet brush....and hilarity ensues. It's going quite well. The cast is full of very funny people, so that's making it fun. I haven't done a play (for those of you non-theatre types, that's a show without music) in seriously 10 years. Crazy. So many lines!

Well...that's it for me. I must get some sleep as I have reahearsal tomorrow. I'll try to blog more, but since I'm home, my life doesn't seem nearly as interesting. And if it bores me, I can't imagine what it's doing to you.

P.S. I'm addicted to online poker. Damn you, Jimmy!

One Day More...NO MORE!

Well…we are officially nearing the end. We just finished our last performance of AND THE WINNER IS… And at this moment…I feel like the winner is…..ME! I never have to sing Danger Zone again wearing spandex pants. Well….not in public anyway. This show was actually a lot of fun even though it is hopelessly dated. Oh well. Onward and upward. These are some pics a guest took during the show last cruise. Village People and Jean Val Jean. Indeed.





It has been a lovely week in Hawaii. On Tuesday, we had an overnighter, so Jimmy and Anne-Marie and I rented a car and just drove. We ended up on a fairly secluded beach in a place called Kihei. It was great. The snorkeling was pretty good and it was just a really great relaxing day at the beach. Lots of Frisbee until the wind picked up. Then there was just lots of trying to get the Frisbee out of the giant thicket. Who ended up going in? Me, of course. Ouch. Oh well.




After 5 or 6 hours at the beach, we drove around looking for a place to stay. It was spring break, so it’s busy. We stopped at a couple places. The Four Seasons wanted $1600.00 for one room for the night. So we decided not to stay there. Instead we ended up at the Best Western which was right on the beach and it was perfect. We got cleaned up for dinner and went to watch the sunset before we headed out. It was gorgeous.







We then went for some Thai food (as we usually do) and then picked up some wine and headed back to the hotel. Since we don’t have TV on the ship really, it was nice to just sit and watch regular TV. However…we ended up spending about an hour transfixed on the Adult Video Awards on Showtime. It was CRAZY. Since this is a family column, I won’t give you the details, but they were AMAZING. The categories alone were awesome. My favorite winner was a fine piece of cinema entitled “Buttwoman”. That is now Anne-Marie’s new nickname. On a side note, while we were getting wine, Anne-Marie discovered Handy Snacks pudding cups. Being English and uncivilized, she’d never seen them. So we bought some. Of course…when it came time to enjoy them…we realized we had no spoons. So….we ate them with our toothbrushes that we bummed from the front desk. They sure were tasty.



We woke up and drove back to return the rental car at the hotel in Lahaina. It was a really nice Hyatt Regency, so we just decided to stay at the beach there for the day. I ended up walking about a half hour up the beach by myself. I’m not much for just lying in the sun, so I thought I’d go find some rocks to snorkel around. There’s this pretty popular place up there and saw some cool fish. Then, I saw a big sea turtle and followed him around for a while. It was cool. Tomorrow we’re going to Turtle Beach, so I’ll se more there. While in Lahaina, I figured I’d complete my Adventure Trifecta for the month and tried my hand at cliff diving. Well…it was really more like cliff jumping. The hardest part was getting up the cliff. You had to climb out of the ocean and scale these rocks up to the top. It was about a 30’ jump and it was fun. Though my body wasn’t to happy about it the next day. Oh! I also got to climb a palm tree. That was fun.



One of the best and worst moments of the overnight trip was a phone call I got. I got a call from the casting people for AVENUE Q, which was awesome, of course. BUT….the needed to see me this Friday, which was, of course…not awesome. There was just no way to get there in time. The same thing happened last year. I guess it’s just not meant to be yet. Wah wah. But, it’s great that they keep calling. I guess it’ll work out when it’s supposed to.

In the meantime….I’m getting all set to go home. 8 MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!